Working Class Anti-Hero Belligerence
Atomic Joe
03/03/2007
"Rule Brittannia, Brittannia rules the waves..."
I heard this week of an American author, Steven Grasse, who has published a book in the United States humourously titled 'The Evil Empire: 101 Ways England Has Ruined The World' that has by all accounts become a massive hit on that side of the old pond. I NEED to get this book, for the title alone!!
But seriously, the boy seems to think we're to blame for everything from the international drugs trade to the Vietnam war (hang on. We weren't even involved in that one!!). Apparently we caused the First World War because we had an Empire and Germany stamped its jackbooted feet and scweamed and scweamed and scweamed because it was envious. And World War II was our fault too cos we, initially thank you Lord "Dumbfuck" Chamberlain, appeased that one-bollocked shortarse psychopath Hitler. Basically the Empire is to blame for the weather today too because the Industrial Revolution used coal-fired furnaces that contributes to climate change to this day.
Being British, we just say 'alright mate, whatever'. But lets have a butcher's at this for a bit. Perhaps dear old Mr. Grasse is upset (as indeed I am) that American military superiority in today's climate means very little in real terms. I'd love it if our old chums from the New World could protect us all from terrorism and future rogue states bent on war and destruction as a means to an end. Thats why I cautiously back the so-called 'Son Of Star Wars' missile defence shield thingy. If the bastard works of course!! But the fact is as Eminem so eloquently put it:"You better get rid of that nine it ain't gonna help, what good's it gonna do against a man that strangles himself?" there is very little defence against a suicide bomber who thinks he's going to paradise(The Bible Code apparently comments on this:'Their souls will be cut off before me, I am the Lord'. Oh. Shit. The Wrath of God. Even I'M scared of that!!).
The British Empire meanwhile was built and maintained in an era when strength in a military sense (and particularly Naval superiority) meant a hell of a lot. For all the apologising that is done for the Empire, we did a lot of good: the first nation to abolish slavery; exporting the rule of law to places that'd never heard of it; spreading the English language as a peaceful means of communication; NOT, repeat, NOT acting like oppressors but employing the minimal amount of clerical staff to administer a country and leaving the rest up to the natives; teaching everyone Association Football so that 200 years later they'd all hammer us every time we played them...alright but you get the idea. We fucked up too, the Chinese debacle in the nineteenth century did us no favours and Afghanistan in the same hundred years was ill-advised (sound familiar?) but on the whole we were responsible.
We gave the Empire away in the early to mid 20th century because, like the Roman Empire before it, it became too bloody expensive to run and independence is a cool thing. But a global Empire centred on these sceptured isles, these modest (in geographical terms) lands that bestrode the world not in tyranny but in progress was quite a fucking achievement. There will never be another like it. Which is probably A Good Thing. I don't apologise for the same reason I don't feel guilt over Global Warming: I didn't break the world it was like this when I found it (copyright Denis Leary).
Oh and the Commonwealth? Her Majesty the Queen is still head of state to all those under this banner. I'm of the opinion that 'Commonwealth' is a softer, gentler way of saying 'Empire'. Fantastic, they held onto it after all!!
So chill people, we're all to blame and no-one's perfect.
