How Very Dare You
Pink Flamingos
04/30/2007
So, I was moseying through the backwaters of online hip happening e-zines, minding my own business, when I tripped over and cut my shin on this: Buckingham Malic: How Britain Ruined the World, an extract from Steven A. Gresse's forthcoming novel offering, The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That Britain Ruined The World.
As a self-appointed ambassador of Anglo-American relations and fully paid up member of The International Happy Days Fan Club (Potsierific!), I initially feigned horror that my twinkie-munching cousin from across the pond would take the time and energy to jab such knives into my Saville Row besuited paunch. Just because I didn't throw myself down on The Mall in a tidal wave of tears as Princess Diana's funeral procession went past doesn't mean I don't have feelings, Steven A. Grasse!
Then I remembered the time I read the IMdb page of Wallace&Gromit: Curse of The Wererabbit and witnessed how casually World War Two, the history of slavery and the War of Independence was referenced in a thread entitled, 'Why did they change Gromit's marrow to a melon for American audiences?'. Oh, for shame - the US/UK handshake is so firm and yet so slippery, like an eel with rigor mortis - why do we do this to each other? The chiding, the grudges. Let's face facts, we've got no-one but each other. Let's hug this out Steven A. Grasse. I'm willing to forgive this brutal attack if you are willingly to forgive the errs of Queen Victoria and assorted cohorts, my brother! After all, it's not directly my fault that The British Empire imposed itself on one third of the world with the cunning use of flags.
But before we rub up against each other Mr Grasse, I can't neglect to address some of the unusual points you make in your book, The Evil Empire: How Britain Fucked Us Over and Then Only Gave Us Simon Cowell in Return. I refer to the seven notions put forth in the online article...
1. They [The British] Give Awards To Cover Their Tracks
So do the French! With their ostentatious, gender questionable copper statues. Brown-nosers.
2. They Propagated their Convoluted System of Measurement Around the Globe
You're ragging on the Imperial system? And then blaming us for America not picking up the metric system sooner? Seriously? I think you're a little bitter. Did you get dumped by a Sloane Ranger or something? I hope when we hug in a minute, some of this heartache can be absolved.
3. They Filled Their Museums With Stolen Treasures (read)
The Southport Lawnmower museum paid for those 19th century Russian hedge clippers fair and square. Don't make me call my lawyer.
4. They're way too polite
You've not been to Manchester, have you?
5. They Made Modern Art Into A Freak Show
If you can't appreciate the artistic integrity behind an unmade, piss-stained bed full of condoms and Mars bar wrappers, then that is your problem, pal, not mine.
6. They Hunt Smart Animals with Dumb Animals for Sport
Look, those foxes deserve it. They're a menance to society. The amount of times I've been woken in the night to find one of those ginger bastards sneaking out the cat flap with my DVD player under one arm and my digital radio under the other, I cannot tell you.
7. They Made Elton John a Knight
Woah, TOO far. Any man who can capture the heroic struggle of Californian cartoon lions through a mere key change is as worthy of a knighthood as the next Sir Ian McKellen, so just BACK OFF, Alabama Pecan Pie.
We can hug now...then I want a quick word about how everyone on the Death Star is played by an English actor.
